Doesn't Mean Never
by CBGirl
Summary: Follow up to the Jolex proposal. Disclaimer: I own nothing.


**Doesn't Mean Never**

"I can't, not now, not like this," came the trembling reply. Alex snapped the ring box shut with a defeated sigh and started to turn away. Jo tentatively reached out and placed her hand on his arm biting her bottom lip she tilted her head to meet his eyes. "Alex, that doesn't mean never. Some day after we fix this, when this is right," she gestured between them, "I want nothing more than to be your wife." A flicker of hope lit his eyes.

They stayed frozen in that moment silently gazing at each other a fragile intimacy between them until Jo broke the connection moving to pack a bag. Alex shook his head confusion clearly written on his face, "You're still leaving?"

"I have to. Nothing has changed.." she held up her hand stopping his protest, "I can't be here while we work on this. I can't look at you across the table from me every day and spend every night in your bed. I'll give in and.. and things can't stay the way they are. I can't keep coming second. I deserve more than that." She moved into the bathroom to gather up her toiletries while Alex watched dumbfounded trying to find the words to stop her. "I'm giving you time and space to figure out what you want," she zipped her duffle bag and gathered up her books into an old backpack.

"I know what I want, Jo," he said with conviction, "It's what I've always wanted. You're what I've always wanted. I want you Jo," he held the ring up as proof.

"What about Meredith?" she hated to ask it, to bring her into this. She hated to sound like the whiny nagging girlfriend she was sure Meredith painted her out to be.

"What about her?" Alex shrugged, "She will always be my friend, Jo."

"And I said I'm not going to make you choose."

"Then don't. I can have both. I can be both your husband and her friend. I'm sorry, Jo, maybe I got a little crazy and a little protective and preoccupied with Mer when Cristina left and Derek died..." he acknowledged.

"A little?" Jo snorted and rolled her eyes.

Ignoring her, Alex continued pleading his case, "Shes my friend; we've been through everything together. She's seen me through so much crap. I couldn't abandon her. She has no one else, no one she trusts like she trusts me. And she's not strong like you are. She puts on a strong face, but she crumbles and she needs held up and.. her.. her person and her husband aren't here to help her up anymore. So I am sorry Jo, but I can do both; I can be here for you and for her just give me a chance. Let me prove it to you."

Her eyes filled with tears again for what had to be the hundredth or even thousandth time that day she felt like. "Alex, I will always give you a chance," she said with a shaky voice, "but I can't be here right now. I'm going to stay with Steph for a little while, but I'm not closing the door on you. Don't run from me and don't push me away; be here for me. You say I'm your priority, that our relationship is your priority, now show it." And with that she hefted her bags up on her shoulder and left, the clang of the loft door shutting echoing behind her.

Alex stood staring after her. It felt like an icy hand had reached straight through his chest and had a vise grip on his heart. He couldn't move; he couldn't breathe all he could do was stand there in the tiny kitchen of the home Jo had bought for them pouring all her money, time, and sweat into and watch as his world fell apart around him.

Finally, he took a shuddering breath and forced his legs into action. He made his way around the loft blowing out candles and he scraped the untouched dinner into the trash can. And at long last he dug the ring box out of his pocket where he had stuffed it, and dropped it in the back of a seldom opened drawer. Tucking it away out of sight just like he hoped to do with his pain.

Changing out of the nice clothes he was embarrassed to admit he had spent far too long picking out in an attempt to make everything just right, he flopped down on the couch dejectedly. He flipped through the channels not really seeing what was on until he just gave up and succumbed to a sleepless night alone in a bed that had never felt so big.

* * *

After only one brief soft rap on her door, Stephanie greeted Jo with a hug and a glass of wine. Jo rewarded her with a small sad appreciative smile. She dropped her bags and sank down on one end of the couch, Steph taking the other end. Silence hung heavy in the air as Jo downed her glass of wine in no time. Leaning forward to refill the empty glass, Stephanie hesitantly said, "You wanna talk about it?"

A beat passed and then another and just as Steph was sure Jo wasn't going to talk, a humorless chuckle rumbled from her throat followed by another until Jo was gasping to catch her breath and wiping her eyes. The laughter was contagious and Stephanie found herself joining in. "What are we laughing about?" Stephanie asked catching her breath unsure if the tears Jo was wiping were from laughing or from a broken heart.

Taking another sip of her wine Jo answered flatly, "Alex proposed to me tonight."

Steph's eyes widened in surprise, "He what?" Jo just nodded. "Oh girl, I'm sorry but that man is clueless. How can you be on such different pages?"

Jo groaned, "It's worse than that; we're not even in the same book. He doesn't see it Steph. He doesn't see that he is constantly putting her first; he.. he.. doesn't see me," her voice cracked as a fresh wave of tears fell. "He says he's here for me and that he has my back, then why do I feel all alone?"

"Oh honey," Steph replied sadly, "boys are dumb."

Jo lifted her glass clinking it with her friend's, "Hear, hear," and drained the rest of the cool liquid.

* * *

Alex knew what he had to do, so two days later he found Jo in line at the cafeteria and pulled her aside, "You're off tomorrow night, right?" She nodded her response a ball of nerves having taken up residence in her stomach. "Good. Go out with me."

"Like on a date?" she stuttered out.

"Yeah on a date," he verified.

"Um.. Okay, I guess so," Jo agreed shocked by the invitation, in all their years together they had only been on a handful of dates preferring to stay home and order pizza and drink beer... Or engage in other activities, she sighed just thinking about it.

The next night, as they sat down to dinner, the air between them was uncomfortable and the conversation stilted. They didn't know how to do this, how to be the couple on the rocks trying to make things work. Finally Jo lighten the mood by making a joke about the stuffy business men a few tables over. After that they both relaxed and the conversation flowed more naturally.

Alex, showing his interest in Jo and what she's doing, asked about her day and the cases she had worked on. "You've been working on burn patients a lot lately, is that something you might want to pursue or are you still leaning towards ortho?" he asked genuinely interested in her plans.

Jo was surprised to find out he knew what she had been working on, but just as she opened her mouth to answer, Alex's phone vibrated with a text message. He reached to turn it off and caught a brief glance at the screen. An anxious look crossed his face. "What is it, Alex?" Jo asked concern lacing her voice.

He shook his head not wanting to put her off, "Nothing. I can take care of it later."

The phone vibrated again. Jo reached for it this time knowing something had happened, seeing the worry etched in his features. The message was from Dr. Bailey: Meredith has been attacked. She's hurt bad. Jo gasped, "Alex, go!" she insisted. "I'm not asking you to stop caring about her or to stop being her friend. She needs you. I'm not a cold-hearted bitch," she tried to hide the frustration in her voice. Frustration brought on by the fact that Alex still didn't understand her or what she wanted from him. He didn't get that she wasn't trying to cut him off from his best friend.

"I'm really sorry. I'll make it up to you, I promise."

She rolled her eyes, "It's just dinner, Alex. It's no big deal."

"What about you?" he asked as they had ridden together.

"I'm sure Steph is still at the hospital I'll get a ride home with her." Alex cringed at the thought of Jo calling anywhere but the loft with him home, but he didn't have time to dwell on it.

They rushed to the car and Alex maneuvered through the streets at a speed just above safe. Jo squeezed his hand offering her support as they walked through the sliding glass doors of the emergency room. He stopped at the nurses' station and Jo continued on further into the hospital.

She found Stephanie in radiology studying brain scans on a patient she would be operating on with Dr. Shepherd the next day. Her face showed surprise when she saw Jo, "What happened? It didn't go well?" she asked hurt for her friend.

Jo shook her head, "We got interrupted. Didn't you hear?"

"Hear what?" the oblivious resident asked.

"Apparently Dr. Grey was attacked. It was bad, I guess. How are you here at the hospital and you don't know all the gory details?" Jo questioned shaking her head. "You are way too focused sometimes," she chuckled.

Steph finished up her prep for the next day and asked, "Are you ready to get out of here?"

"Yeah, but I want to find Alex first. Make sure he's okay."

She found him slumped in a chair outside of the ICU. She took the seat next to him and gently nudged his shoulder with hers, "Hey," she said quietly, "how is she?"

"It's pretty bad. She was beat up bad. Stable for now," he answered his voice gravelly from worry and exhaustion.

"And you? How are you?" she asked putting an arm around his shoulder and rubbing his neck.

He shrugged and looked away staring into the brightly lit ICU, "I thought I was finally there, ya know. I'm at a good place in my career, I've finally earned the respect of my co-workers, I can even call them friends now, I have my best friend here still, and I have.. er.. had you. And now it's all being ripped away from me. I should have known better. I should have known I could never be anything more than the jackass loser I was raised to be. Bitter and alone."

"Hey," Jo said sternly, grabbing his chin and forcing him to look at her, "you can't talk like that about the man I love. You, Alex Karev, have come so far. You have made it to heights no one would have ever guessed. And nothing is being taken away from you. Meredith is strong, despite what you think; she is a fighter. How many times have I been told all the horrible things she has made it through, things worse than this, and she will make it through this too. And I'm here aren't I? I never said never, Alex." Her eyes bore into his with intensity begging him to believe the words she had uttered showing him support and love.

"How do you always know?" his voice cracked as he fought back tears.

"I know you, Alex," she said simply in explanation. He reached up caressing her cheek and leaned in. She placed her hand over his and squeezed ever so gently and turned her head so his lips landed on her cheek. He settled for a peck when he craved so much more. Jo stood up, "Goodnight," she whispered and walked away. He watched her go. Stephanie was waiting for her at the elevator, when she got to her friend, the other woman wrapped an arm around her shoulders and Jo leaned into her side as if it was all she could do to keep standing.


End file.
